My heart breaks

Today my heart breaks still. I found out that one of the students who was in my first kindergarten class suffered from a heart attack and died. She was a precious and delightful little girl who always had a smile for me. She always tried her very best, listened to everything I said, and was aways doing the right thing. One of the sweetest little souls I have had the delight of teaching. I dream about my students growing up and one day visiting me, telling me stories of high school and college and getting jobs; stories of falling in love and having their own children. But, I never, ever expected to outlive any of my students. It makes me wonder about the things she learned in my class. Not just the things she learned about academia, but the things about life and living. Did I tell her that she was special and lovable? Did she know that I cared tremendously about her? Did I give her enough hugs, enough attention, enjoy praise? Did she see God in me? It is still just so unbelievable. And, I confess it makes me want to hold closer the ones who are still here with me, to cherish them so much. If she were able to turn her ear down and listen now I'd whisper "Sweet child, we love you much."

What I was *really* doing in Canada last week!

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You Are Creative

I was at the pottery studio a couple days ago and overheard a comment that made me smile. A girl about my age was talking about her endeavor in pottery. Apparently she is a number cruncher during the day and something inspired her to try out pottery. As she was talking she said, "I'm not ..." paused, "I am trying to stop myself from saying I'm not creative..." I have heard so many people say that they are not creative, and it was so good to hear someone say that they are not allowing themselves to say that. I've always felt that there is some creativity in each person, even if they don't realize it. It just has to be tapped.

People have told me that I'm creative because I am interested in doing things like pottery and beading and other crafts, and turn out some interesting products. Its nice to hear, but I don't feel any more creative than someone who would say, "I'm not creative." However, something in me feels fulfilled and peaceful and overflowingly happy when I am in the creative process. I glean immense pleasure from producing art. And, I think it has something to do with God's fingerprint on me. We're all created in God's image, and HE is the master creator. Creating somehow makes me feel in touch with God. And because we're all made in His image, I maintain that on some level we all must be creative. For proof I'd like to offer any one of my kindergarten classes. I can put out a huge box of crayons and markers and a stack of plain paper, and they all will be content for as long as I let them draw and color. We're all creative.

I was thinking about that word: creativity. People generally use that word to describe new, interesting ideas and original or unique work. But as I was thinking about it I realized that the word creativity comes from the word create, and the word create doesn't mean anything more than "to cause something to be" or "to make." Well, we all make things. Some people make grilled cheese sandwiches, some people make charts for business proposals, some people make ridiculously complicated software, some people make comfortable homes, and some people make elaborate cakes. Everybody makes something sometimes; a perfect pyramid of canned food, a tree house in the backyard, a happy birthday card, a snugly rolled sleeping bag, a precision shave, a detailed tour of a city... the list is endless. We all create. We all bare the fingerprint of the Master Creator. We all are creative. How freeing would it be for each of us to embrace this? What would you create if you believed you too were creative. You are.

"They Don't Know My Hip Pain."

This post has slowly been composed in my head for several weeks now. Its swirled around in my head while running and living my day-to-day life until now. Nothing specific has happened to prompt me to finally put it into words except that its time to get the thoughts out there. 

For the past several months I have been running on a relatively minor injury. I have tendinitis in my right hip-pelvis area, probably caused by running. I did have a small fall a couple months ago, and although it might have contributed to the painful hip, I don't know if it was the cause of the current pain. Anyhow, I have had X-rays and been examined by an orthopedist and currently am taking a round of NSAIDs to see if we can treat the injury orally before considering a shot. In reality, compared with other injuries people run on all the time, its really not severe enough pain to complain too much about. In fact, I feel silly spending all this time talking about it.  But I bring it up to explain what I really want to talk about: our perceptions of other people. 

When I go running I am acutely aware of other people noticing if I am a slow runner or a fast runner. That's to say I am extremely self-conscious. I hate the idea that people might see me out on a run and think "wow, she needs to kick it up a notch." I know I shouldn't worry about these other people's judgements, and I have really battled those thoughts to a point that I am comfortable in my own shoes out on a run. One line of battle I  use in my mental fight is, "they haven't seen the 4 miles I ran before this one," thinking that if that had seen those 4 previous miles they'd be easier on my current pace. Some other lines of battle are, "they aren't running these 8 miles with me," "they haven't seen where I started from," and"its so stinkin' HOT!" I know I am not the only person fighting mental battles when I run. As the old line goes, "running is 90% mental, the rest if physical." 

Lately though, I have been fighting my mental running battles with a new line and applying the same line to my daily non-running mental battles as well; "They don't know my hip pain." If someone were to see me running, and pass judgement that I was running too slow or with a bizarre gate, they'd have no idea I was running on an injury. But the point of this post isn't to make myself feel better about what other people think of me. It is about what I have learned in the process. You see, I am just as guilty of noticing other runners and thinking, "C'mon, we can make it up the hill a little faster," or something similar. I know that being a runner I should be more compassionate knowing too well the pains and struggles they may be facing. And now that I do have a legitimate reason for running slower than I want to, I realize all to well that I have NO idea what battles other people are facing. I don't know if their knees are throbbing or their backs are in stitches. I have no idea if they are wearing old running shoes or have the worst shin splints ever. I really have no idea what battles other people face on a run-to-run basis. 

Similarly, I have no idea what people are facing on a day-to-day basis either. I really have no idea why people do the things they do or how they do them. And running on a bum hip has caused me to realize that I need to be much more compassionate. So, my mantra lately has been "They don't know my hip pain." It's not a statement I say to make myself feel better when I do something ridiculous, rather, its a statement of reminder that I don't know your battles and I need to be nice. When I see someone taking up the entire aisle at the grocery store, I tell myself, "They don't know my hip pain." When I see someone taking a LONG time to make the right hand turn, I tell myself, "They don't know my hip pain." Its my reminder to myself that I ought to show some grace, some patience, and compassion. 

Flying over the Clouds

I have this thing for clouds. I love them. Its not obsessive or anything like that. I just love to lay on my back and look at the them. I think they are so beautiful. I especially love the clouds you get to see when I fly. I love breaking through the cloud cover on take off and looking out over the clouds like its a big fluffy blanket, or an ocean of whipped cream drenched in golden sunlight. There are few things more beautiful than that to me. While I was looking out over thoe clouds yesterday while flying from Toronto to Atlanta, it occurred to me that I wouldn't have gotten to see such beauty if we hadn't just gone through some turbulence on the flight. And I admit, regardless of the million flights I've made between Toronto and Atlanta, the turbulence always makes my heart pound. I get a little nervous when the plane shakes. And when I realized that I had to go through those nervous moments to see one of my favorite sights, it was like the voice of God whispering to me, reminding me that life is the same; To experience true beauty in life, we sometimes have to go through some turbulence. And that turbulence in life can be scary, but the view on the other side makes the scary worth it...

"Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me; 

       O LORD, be my help.

You turned my wailing into dancing; 

       you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. 

       O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever." 

~Psalm 30:10-12

"I will extol the LORD at all times; 

       his praise will always be on my lips.

My soul will boast in the LORD; 

       let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

Glorify the LORD with me; 

       let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; 

       he delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant; 

       their faces are never covered with shame."

~Psalm 34:1-5

 

Talk on the phone or park your car. But don't do both

I drive a little car, so maybe I just don't understand. Parking my car takes about 5 seconds and no skill at all, so maybe my opinion comes from too narrow a focus. But, after watching someone struggle to park her gigantic SUV next to my little car, I decided that auto dealerships or the DMV ought to create a parking test for people who want to drive an SUV. If you can't park it, you can't drive it. If you can only get it into the spot kinda straight, then you can't drive it. I realized after I had created this lovely parking test in my head, that my little friend trying to park her unnecessarily large truck, was actually just talking on the phone and trying to park with one hand... Of COURSE you can't park a huge car straight with one hand! What was I thinking?

I Love My Neighborhood

Yesterday I drove out of the Highlands to go to Midtown. It's only a couple of miles, 10  minutes or so across town, 20 in bad traffic. Its closer than driving to work by a long shot. But, it just wasn't "home." I went to Midtown to find a dress for a my little brother's wedding, and although I found something, I really didn't like being in that part of town! The taffic was aweful, the roads were closed all over the place, and to make it worse, it was pouring rain. I went to a grocery store in Midtown instead of waiting until I got back to the Highlands, and I hated trying to find what I needed there! Its probably a little insane I think, but I immediately felt better when I turned off of Monroe Drive onto Virginia Ave and was back in "my neighborhood." I am inclined to say that there isn't anything special about my neighborhood, but that is a lie! Its a like a little town inside the city. Regular folks live here. I can walk to the grocery store or, like I did today, down to the village and buy my mom a mother's day gift. I can cross streets in the middle of the street because its all residential area and few people are zipping along these streets- except of course the one my building is on. There really is nothing I HAVE to leave this area for, except to go to work and church. I hope I can stay in this neighborhood a long time, or at least, one day find another that I love as much as this one. I know I am totally corny..! So now I feel like all the people in my building should all come out on the front lawn now and we can sing, holding hands in a circle, "these are the people in my neighborhood, in my neighborhood, in my neighborhood, yes these are the people in my neighborhood..."